Beep, beep! As I opened my eyes to the sound of my alarm, I woke to see sun pouring through my window. Despite only a few hours of sleep, I was able to hop out of bed after only one snooze - a rare occurrence in my book. With only a few minutes to get out the door, I ran across my bed from one side of the room to the other, no less than four times, trying to locate my outfit for the day. I was looking for my vintage Kenneth Jay Lane ivory and gold rams heads bracelet - the one I manage to wear with just about everything - over by my dresser, and I noticed this black line on the side of the dresser ... "what the f*** IS that" ... I stood on tip toes in between two piles of clothing on the floor - [the floor is my clean closet, and no one dare set a toe on it] - and balancing with my left hand on the front of the dresser, I craned my neck, leaning in for a closer look at this black line. Do you know what it was? It was, (not even kidding you), a half-inch thick river of ants crawling up and down the entire length of the dresser. I flipped my sh*t! I frantically started trying to determine the origin and destination of the ants, trying to rifle through perfume bottles, jewelry, and ticket stubs, without spreading the ants all over the dresser surface, and then... there it was. There was an unopened package of PEEPS on top of my empty Chloé perfume box, and I looked inside at the little yellow chickies, and they were black - covered in ants!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started screaming, grabbed the package, and went running outside in my thong and tank top and dramatically threw the package into the driveway. I'm sure someone saw. Probably some poor child taking her first walk all by herself to the Catholic girl's academy down the block. It was disgusting. I went back upstairs and sprayed ant kill all over the whole river - they were like a colony of settlers, for goodness sake. They all died, and then I had to wipe them all up and flush them in eight separate flushes. Eight!
The only positive thing to come from all of this was the surprisingly delightful floral scent that masked the bedroom after the wrath of the ant kill spray. On the other hand, in addition to feeling as though this gorgeous, sun-soaked morning-getting-ready-sesh was pooped on by ants, I'm really having doubts about my ability to ever eat Peeps again. Do you know how many boxes of Peeps and Cadbury mini creme eggs I bought this year for Easter? Neither do I, but if I had to guess, I would say it averaged out to a box of Peeps per day for the entire duration of Easter candy's stay on the drugstore shelves this spring. Not usually a big fan of candy, I must admit there's just something about that ole Easter Bunny that gets me going. In all seriousness though, I really cannot believe how many ants there were in that river, and engulfing those poor Peeps. Can you imagine if they made little "peep peep!" sounds? Oy vey... Nightmare extravaganza.