Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Epiphany

Recently I had a little epiphany.  One of those momentary revelations where you "suddenly" realize something; something so significant, it feels as though you've consumed it - quite literally.  These occur every now and again, from the smallest of realizations, to grasps of new consciousness far greater in scope.  Albeit in varying measures, they always feel profound.  Now, the source of such a little epiphany is the inception of an idea that unifies - makes sense of - your current state of being.

In the moments before your epiphany, you realize where and how you are in this moment.  Then you realize where and how you were, say, six months ago.  It’s like black and white, then and now!  You feel like a new being, reborn somewhere in between “then” and “now.”  The essence of you is still there, nothing has changed... its just, suddenly... accessible.  When and how did this happen?  Where were you when black turned white?  Was it a split second unrecognizable to the conscious mind?  Or a gradation of shades so infinitesimal that a distinct point in between is unidentifiable...

On that note, we’re going to make this a little less vague and slightly more specific by applying this theoretical “little epiphany” to the one I’ve most recently had.

As baffled as I felt by the changes that had come over me, or come out of me, rather... it was not a mystery this time how the change came about.  For lack of better words, I will transcribe here the letter I wrote that provides my best attempt at an honest account of the change from black to white; the grey, if you will.

Dear Journal,

I have something to get off my chest.  Its not going to come out entirely now, but I promise it will all come out eventually.

Over the last few months, I have begun to acknowledge a void in my life that I have felt in my gut for some time.  Overall, I've felt there were far more good things in my life than bad things, and so I chose to ignore my gut.  There are a number of things that helped me to start realizing and rationalizing what I was feeling, or what I was not feeling...  But out of everything, I began to distill that the dissatisfaction I was feeling was not transient, but rested at my core.  Writing my thoughts, pen to paper, over the last couple months has helped to shed light on what I felt dissatisfied with in my life - in the fewest words possible.  I realized that the substance of what I feel missing in my life, I feel is defined by my writing to you - in the most abstract sense.

On Sunday I decided to turn my world upside down.  It was a terribly awful and difficult decision to make, but I know it is the right thing.  I feel grateful that I’ve been able to be more honest and reflective lately; I think I would have stayed in this for longer just because it was the easier choice.  With as many things in the world that are in flux right now, this was something stable and consistent that I've thrown to the wind... but I think it will bring more freedom than I ever could have imagined.  In some measure, I thank you for that.


So, yes... I am able to identify a catalyst partially responsible for my divergence from “black” that would ultimately lead me to “white.”  What I am not able to identify, is how it all began.  What was the seed of the feeling of dissatisfaction?  What was the seed of the acknowledgement of a void?  At the most inconvenient timing and with no words for a clear and concise explanation, I made a life-changing decision with conviction.  From within me this decision came, and for that reason, I knew it was right.  I felt it in my bones.  Yet feel it in our bones we may, we like to understand what it is that makes us so sure.  We like to rationalize, to verbalize.  Nothing I wrote bore relevance to any bone of contention in my life.  It was the act of writing itself that brought about this feeling.

A week has gone by since I turned my world upside down.  As I walked down my street in the crisp cold of evening, my pink scarf blew in circles in front of me as I walked... glowing against the blue tint of twilight.  I realized I had worn a bright colored thing every day that week.

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